Disarming Depression
Lately, I’ve been doing some good things for myself. And because I’ve been doing some good things for myself, I’ve been more at ease. And while I’m at ease, I also notice some heavy feelings. There's a sadness that is present alongside this potential for peace and joy.
Now while I’m noticing this melancholy, I am not overcome by it. And in making room for sadness, I have greater capacity for joyfulness. I am like a Buddha, getting off on the aesthetic of silvery grass blowing in the wind like in anime films. Smiling wryly and knowingly at the suffering of humanity.
Growing awareness
There is a peace that comes from making room for my sadness. I’m a bit quieter inside, and because I’m quieter inside, my sleep is more blissful. And when I awake from blissful slumber, rather than waking to misery, I awake to nothing. It’s as it is written in Genesis - IN THE BEGINNING there was nothing, and nothing gave birth to the entire catalogue of planetary melodrama. The Creator licked his lips, smiled - sickly, sweetly - and Gnowingly called it “Good”.
So I notice the nothingness. But then out of this nothingness, the peace is broken by a familiar voice. It says “Hey! Don’t get complacent! Life sucks. You have to go to work today. And you know the most courageous thing you did yesterday? That bold step you took toward Positive Self-Actualisation? That was WRONG, and you should turn your vibration down right now cause you ain’t got it in ya” (it’s a real manipulative oppressor, this one).
Feel bad chemicals flood my body. I’m home. “Me” again. Familiar, safe.
It's almost like I’m addicted to depression. Why in the world would I be addicted to depression?
Well - for one, after years of unconscious repetition, it feels familiar and safe. And, compared to equanimity, negative feelings and the chemicals that they produce have a much stronger charge. So in that way, it’s more interesting to the mind than boredom. Deep peace, joyfulness, heartfulness…those are more subtle experiences. The unrefined mind gravitates toward intensity over subtlety.
Peace in the turmoil
In the end I make myself get up and face the day. I give thanks to the Thought Catcher for revealing all of this to me and smile as I notice myself continue to resist, sabotage and hate.
Who is this “I” noticing “myself”? Somehow, I’m able to put a little more distance between who I am and what I’m feeling. I feel a little more freedom than I did yesterday. Smiling more, dancing inside. As I welcome sadness to be in my experience, I also allow it to leave my body. My emotions come and go, and I’m still here. This melancholy might be with me now, but it's not who I am.
Daniel is a wanderer. Sometimes globally, always internally. His wandering has lead him to two questions - what are the obstacles to the flow of love and how can we transcend them? Daniel is a yoga teacher, a love healer and one who thinks too deeply. He is the one who puts the pen to the paper.
See all previous articles by Daniel Strelan
